Time to Have “The Talk”
Here’s two of my favorite growing up stories, courtesy the previously innocent mind of our eldest son.
Back when he was in kindergarten, he came up to me one day after school and proudly announced that he knew “what the ‘f-word’ is.” I was shocked, needless to say. You could see in his face that he knew this was something special, something he shouldn’t be talking about. To prove his point, he let me know that the f-word has “four letters, right?” Curious where he would take this, I replied, “Okay,” looking around to make sure no one was listening, “tell me what it is.” He put his hand up, also looked around for innocent ears, and whispered to me, “fart.” I said, with some phony shock in voice, “Shhh! Don’t let your mother hear you say that word!” And dropped it. Quickly.
On another occasion, we had some friends over for dinner. They have a couple of slightly older boys. The boys were watching TV as we were sitting around talking after dinner. Without anyone actually paying attention, they had the TV on HBO watching a movie. As can sometimes happen on HBO, a scene in the movie showed a bouncing pair of breasts. To our embarrassment, this happened just as all of the adults were coming in to the family room. Without even a hint of blush of giddiness, our oldest son simply announced, “Hey mom, look, her ‘milk-holders’ are showing.” At this point he had seen his mother nurse one or two other children. There was nothing sexual about this, not in his young innocent mind, it was just strange to him that the actress had set them free without a hungry infant crying for them.
These stories are funny, but they also show that our children are exposed to sexual messages long before they even know what these messages mean. It has come to our attention lately that at the ripe age of 10 (almost 11), these messages are starting to take on real meaning. Girls are suddenly interesting and 5th-grade classmates are talking about who is “going out” with who.
Gulp.
It’s time.
Studies repeatedly show that when parents talk early and often about sex, children are more likely to postpone sexual activity until they are older, and also more likely to use protection once they become sexually active. And the talks, experts say, should not just be about sperm meeting egg, but also about emotions, and consequences and more. Research by the Rand Corporation released in the March issue of the journal Pediatrics last year, lists 22 different topics parents should cover, including “decisions about whether to have sex, consequences of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant, selection of a birth control method, what it feels like to have sex and protection offered by condoms.”
It’s a hard conversation to have. Hard to know how much focus to give to the science of it, how much of the talk should be about pregnancy and STDs and the scary parts, and how much to focus on the emotions and morality involved. And how do you bring it up?
Planned Parenthood’s site has some helpful tips, including a list of age appropriate conversation starters. A few examples:
YOUNG CHILDREN
- Do you know the names of all your body parts?
- Do you know why girls look different than boys?Your aunt is pregnant. Do you know what that means?
PRETEENS
- People change a lot during puberty. What have you heard about the changes of puberty? How do you feel about going through puberty?
- At what age do you think a person should start dating? Have any of your friends started dating?
- Do you think girls and boys are treated differently? (If yes …) How?
TEENS
- How have you changed in the last two years? What do you like and what do you not like about the changes?
- At what age do you think a person is ready to have sex? How should a person decide?
- At what age do you think a person is ready to be a parent?
And if you don’t feel comfortable just bringing up the subject out of the blue, there are conversation triggers everywhere. Just watch a movie rated PG or above, and there will likely be a moment or two that can serve as a segue. Or better yet, flip through a magazine and let the advertising industry help you out.
In short, we want our kids to live healthy and rewarding lives. Sex is an important part of a healthy and rewarding life. And no place is a more meaningful place to learn about life than home.
Here are some resources to guide your efforts:
Websites
Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
There’s No Place Like Home … for Sex Education
Books
How to Talk with Teens About Love, Relationships, and S-E-X by Amy G. Miron and Charles D. Miron
Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah M. Roffman
Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters With Intellectual Disabilities by Karin Melberg Schwier and David Hingsburger
Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They’re Really Saying by Michael Riera
Teaching Children with Down Syndrome about Their Bodies, Boundaries, and Sexuality by Terri Couwenhoven
Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh
Books written for children
It’s Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie Harris (for ages 4 and up)
It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie Harris (for ages 10 and up)
It’s So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie Harris (for ages 7 and up)
What’s the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (for ages 4-8)
The “What’s Happening to My Body?” Book for Boys: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Sons by Lynda Madaras and Martin Anderson (for ages 8 to 15)
The “What’s Happening to My Body?” Book for Girls: A Growing Up Guide for Parents and Daughters by Lynda Madaras and Marcia Herman-Giddens (for ages 8 to 15)
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