Maddux turns four this summer. He’s been our pickiest eater, by far. He would live on a diet of chocolate alone, if we were to let him. And we give in more then we should: chocolate chip pancakes, seemingly healthy chocolate-flavored “nutrition” bars geared towards kids, chocolate soy milk, or an “all natural” chocolate cereal from Trader Joes. Seems like chocolate is a frequently used to get him to compromise and eat something good for him.

What are we doing wrong?

Fussiness seems to be natural part of a child’s development. They distrust anything new. And it is a daily challenge to find something kids will eat. There’s a balance of concerns. On the one hand, obesity is a growing national epidemic, especially among kids. But most parents have an instinctual concern that kids will eat too little and end up with nutritional deficits. Most of us (parents) come from the “Clean Your Plate Before You Get Up From the Table” generation. We feel like it is our job to get the kids to eat, when really it is our job to offer the right foods for mealtime, exposing them to a healthy variety of foods.

According to Harriet Worobey, the director of the Rutgers University Nutritional Sciences Preschool, these are five mistakes that we as parents often make feeding the little ones.

Sending children out of the kitchen. We usually do not involve kids in preparing meals. With hot stoves, sharp knives, and boiling water, the kitchen doesn’t seem like the right place for them. It’s quicker and easier to cook when they’re in the next room and Spongebob is babysitting them. But studies suggest that getting kids involved can make them more interested in trying new foods.

Researchers at Teachers College at Columbia University studied how cooking with a child affects the child’s eating habits. In one study, nearly 600 children from kindergarten to sixth grade took part in a nutrition curriculum intended to get them to eat more vegetables and whole grains. Some children, in addition to having lessons about healthful eating, took part in cooking workshops. The researchers found that children who had cooked their own foods were more likely to eat those foods in the cafeteria, and even ask for seconds, than children who had not had the cooking class.

When children are involved in meal preparation, “they come to at least try the food,” said Isobel Contento, professor of nutrition education at Teachers College and a co-author of the study. “Kids don’t usually like radishes, but we found that if kids cut up radishes and put them in the salad, they love the radishes.”

Pressuring them to take a bite. I am often guilty of this. As an example, last night I made a healthy pizza of whole wheat dough, fresh tomatoes, mozzarella and basil. It was excellent. Maddux likes pizza, but he saw a “piece of salad” (basil) on his slice and refused to eat anything. We have ice cream in the freezer and I, strategically, announced that whomever ate their pizza could have ice cream for dessert. Did it work? Well, it did for the other kids! Not Maddux.

Demanding that a child eat at least one bite, tasting something new, seems reasonable, but it is likely to backfire. Studies show that children react negatively when parents pressure them to eat foods, even if the pressure offers a reward. In one study at Pennsylvania State University, researchers asked children to eat vegetables and drink milk, offering them stickers and television time if they did. Later in the study, the children expressed dislike for the foods they had been rewarded for eating.

“Parents say things like ‘eat your vegetables and you can watch TV,’ but we know that kind of thing doesn’t work either,” said Leann L. Birch, director of Penn State’s childhood obesity research center and a co-author of the study. “In the short run, you might be able to coerce a child to eat, but in the long run, they will be less likely to eat those foods.”

What we should do is put the food on the table and encourage them to try it, but don’t complain if they refuse, and don’t offer praise if they taste it. Just try to frame the event as a normal, daily ritual. Have a “It’s just what we do” kind of attitude and just ask if they want some more and try to stay neutral.

Keep the junk food out of reach. If we buy chips or cookies or a questionable food item like fruit roll-ups, we try to hide them on the top pantry shelf in order to keep the kids from binging on this stuff, or filling up before dinner. This probably leads to two unwanted consequences: the kids longing for these items, and unnecessary head injuries as Maddux climbs from stool, to dog food bin, to lower shelves and falls trying to reach the Oreos.

In another Penn State study, researchers experimented to determine whether forbidden foods were more desirable. Children were seated at tables and given unlimited access to plates of apple or peach cookie bars — two foods the youngsters had rated as “just O.K.” in earlier taste tests. With another group, some bars were served on plates, while some were placed in a clear cookie jar in the middle of the table. The children were told that after 10 minutes, they could snack on cookies from the jar. The researchers found that restricting the cookies had a profound effect: consumption more than tripled compared with when the cookies were served on plates. Other studies show that children whose food is highly restricted at home are far more likely to binge when they have access to forbidden foods.

The lesson is to not buy the foods that we feel like we need to restrict and instead offer healthy snack alternatives and free access to the pantry.

Serving boring food. Trying to eat right myself, I’m likely to prepare some fresh, steamed asparagus, with just a little seasoning only. Tastes great to me, and is obviously very healthy. But when I was a kid? No way. There’s nothing wrong with dressing up fresh vegetables with a little butter, ranch dressing (Jack will eat his shoe laces if we were to serve them with “ranch”) or cheese sauce. The added calories are worth the tradeoff of introducing the new vegetable.

Giving up too soon. Eating preferences change, and often a child’s refusal to eat something at one meal may not be due to taste anyway. It might just be an attitude thing or a power struggle. So we should keep preparing a variety of healthful foods and putting them on the table, even if a child refuses to take a bite. In young children, it may take 10 or more attempts over several months to introduce a food.

Susan B. Roberts, a Tufts University nutritionist and co-author of the book “Feeding Your Child for Lifelong Health,” suggested a “rule of 15” — putting a food on the table at least 15 times to see if a child will accept it. Once a food is accepted, parents should use “food bridges,” finding similarly colored or flavored foods to expand the variety of foods a child will eat. If a child likes pumpkin pie, for instance, try mashed sweet potatoes and then mashed carrots. If a child loves corn, try mixing in a few peas or carrots. Even if a child picks them out, the exposure to the new food is what counts.

“As parents, you’re going to make decisions as to what you want to serve,” Ms. Worobey said. “But then you just have to relax and realize children are different from day to day.”